I’m a fan of listening. It’s an art that is tough to master. To your credit, perhaps you are trying to stop:

Interrupting.

• Developing your answer while the other person is still speaking.
• Shifting the focus back to you.
• These are all worthy efforts but, by themselves, you may be missing the root issue. Most of the time you are impatient. It takes discipline to allow the speaker to explore their thoughts and feelings. You are held in receiving mode. It can feel like sitting at a red light that never turns green.
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This begs the question; how do you slow down? Here are a few tips that can help:

See yourself as a thought partner. Recognize that the speaker is usually caught in their own story, unaware of logic gaps and assumptions. If you stay curious and focus on the speakers’ works and thoughts, you are starting at a good place.

Embrace the mindset that the speaker is whole, creative, and resourceful. They do not need to be fixed. They need the perspective you offer but not your advice.

Consider a three-part approach. Start by pausing. When the speaker provides an avenue for you to contribute, take time to gather your thoughts. Next, reflect/acknowledge what you heard using the speaker’s exact words. Let them hear what they said. Then, finally, ask a probing question guiding the speaker into further discovery.



Your ability to pace yourself will take some practice, especially if you are abundantly verbal or super high energy. No matter what speed you like in day-to-day conversations, you might want to consider slowing down when the stakes are high and listening matters.